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  • Writer's pictureSiegfried Howell

Change Your Lens, Change Your Love:Overcoming Control and Jealousy

Updated: Aug 29, 2023

Feeling threatened by a partner's interactions, friendships, or outside success breeds jealousy and controlling behaviors that erode relationships. While insecurity seems protective, it often stems from deeper issues like fear of abandonment, possessiveness, or past betrayals that require healing. By getting to the root of jealous feelings, fostering self-worth, and building trust, couples can overcome toxic jealousy patterns together.

Examining Insecurity's Roots

Insecurity often flares when we perceive interactions with colleagues or friends as threatening. But rather than react with accusations, examine what triggers your jealousy. Do you fear replacement? Abandonment? Betrayal? Is it a self-esteem issue? Insecurity rooted in the past resurfaces until we process old wounds. Share underlying fears and hurts with your partner compassionately. Seek counseling to gain coping tools and rebuild self-confidence from within.

Cultivating Self-Worth

Low self-esteem and dependence on a partner for identity often drive possessiveness. But confidence grounded in self-validation allows relationships to flourish freely. Combat insecurity by developing your own passions and friendships. Speak kindly to yourself and silence that critical inner voice. Boost self-care practices that reinforce your worth. As your well of self-love fills, you'll release the tight grip of both jealousy and codependence. You'll recognize your innate value exists without validation.

Replacing Control with Communication

Partners with past betrayals often use jealousy to control interactions in a misguided bid for security. But, limitations placed on friendships breed deception and distance. Rather than acting possessive, vulnerably communicate feelings and needs. Express you want to rebuild trust. Then, lead by example - be the dependable partner you wish to have. Offer reassurance you desire mutual freedom, not a prison. Choose openness; it speaks louder than demands.

Building Trust Through Consistency

Though challenging, refrain from snooping or grilling your partner. Instead, rebuild trust gradually through consistent demonstration of loyalty. Show up emotionally and physically even when feeling insecure. In time, faith that they choose you daily will grow. When you hit bumps, reflect on whether old wounds are being projected onto the present. Then, turn toward each other with empathy. Healthy love is not hostage to the past or possessive - it sets partners free.

Feelings of jealousy and possessiveness in relationships often stem from deeper issues like fear of abandonment, low self-worth, lack of trust, or past betrayals. While insecurity may seem protective, it breeds controlling behaviors that push partners away. This blog advises couples to get to the root of jealousy, cultivate self-confidence from within, replace demands with open communication, and rebuild trust through loyalty. It emphasizes looking inward at old wounds rather than making accusations. As we heal insecurities, we can create secure attachments not based on limiting our partner's freedom but grounded in mutual trust. Our light can shine brighter in relationships and beyond without jealousy's constraints.

Dr. Siegfried Howell

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